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Sometimes we just need to be held. Sometimes someones arms around us is enough to make us bare through another trench, another storm or just open our eyes for another morning.
He always hugs me with all of his heart.
He used to tell me that he wasn’t a cuddler. Which was fine by me, because I am not a cuddler. I can cuddle but I eventually want to break free, do my thing, sleep alone in my corner. I sleep on my stomach, which makes it impossible to cuddle with me all night.
The first night we slept together he fell asleep cuddling me, I never moved because I didn’t want to wake him, but I didn’t really sleep either.
The nights that followed we started off cuddling but I tried to break free more and more. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night with him taking my hand (he still does that) as if to assure himself that I’m still there.
We always cuddle before we fall asleep. Unless we’ve had a fight and even then we try to make up, so we can cuddle. We have named the spot on his arm where I snuggle in on his hairy chest as the best place. The best place in the world where I always feel safe. Because I always feel safe there, and I always feel loved.As soon as he falls asleep (starts to snore) I move to my corner of the bed, he usually wakes up by this and whispers I love you.
In that moment, right then and there, we are perfect.
We both work full time. I however also work overtime. This is partly because we are swamped at work, partly because my wages without overtime are ridiculous but also because I finally feel like I’m challenged at work and I’m loving it.
Before I got my current job, I had just graduated. I finally put 6 years of school, and working simultaneously, behind me. I saw more money and more time in my future. At least one was correct.
While realizing that this job would require a little more of me than actually having to work and study at the same time, our home fell apart. I used to have some mornings and afternoons open each week to keep the most urgent parts of our home clean. Mainly the kitchen. I used to cook, a lot, and I’m damned good at it too.
The more our home fell apart because I wasn’t fixing it, the more I worked. Who wants to come home to a huge mess and a guy who’s lounging on the sofa watching TV or playing Xbox games?
We made a list, a simple list, with daily chores that both needed to do and a weekly/bimonthly list with chores that would require a little more effort. I made it clear that I wouldn’t cook if the kitchen was a mess when I came home.
Since that day, I might have cooked twice.
He loves me he surely does, but his ability to realize his part in my absence is minuscule. He can’t fathom why I resist coming home, why I hate cooking in our kitchen and what his lounging does to me. If he’d been working the same hours as me, I wouldn’t be as resentful. Or maybe I would. For the past three years it has been me taking care of him, of us, of our house and spoiling us. Maybe I need to be spoiled too? Maybe for a while now, I need to come home to a clean house, cooked meal and packed lunch box. Just maybe.
But no matter how many times I explain it, the results are the same. After one or two days of effort, we are back to zero.
Mum used to tell me about this guy she dated before she met dad. He was utterly and hopelessly in love with her. They were engaged, he had given her this gorgeous diamond ring that she got to design herself. It is in my collection now.
One day when she was bored she asked him if he would entertain her. Sure he said, what do you want me to do? Jump on one foot, she said. He obliged. Crow like a rooster, she said. He obliged. When that didn’t entertain her she asked, how about you tickle yourself? When he obliged just to amuse her she knew this wasn’t the relationship for her.
I think my mother has damaged me.
When I met my husband, we didn’t fall in love. We hung out for quite sometime without love. But then it hit me that I did care for him and I didn’t want to stop caring, and the caring grew to love. It took him a little bit longer but once he fell in love with me, he gave me all of his heart. He never compromised with it.
He would tickle himself if I asked.
Unlike my mother I would never ask. But I understand her viewpoint. She lost interest in the relationship when she realized the challenge was gone. She had him, completely, and she wanted to have to work for it.
Unlike my mother, I think this is a good thing. I feel confident with my husband, I have him and he would never make me doubt it. It’s a dangerous statement to make because we all make mistakes or feel lonely at times, but I know that as long as he feels I am present and his, he will be mine. Unfortunately I don’t feel present or 100% devoted, that is why I’m making this list.
I have found myself doubtful, of us, of myself, of what my feelings really are. Who am I and who do I want to become? On Monday I might have a notion that I need solitude and freedom, only to repute myself as scared and lonely on Tuesday.
In the end it all boils down to my relationship. The best relationship I’ve ever had, with a man that loves me and wants us to last forever. Just a couple of months ago that was all I wanted. I was in this relationship 100% and knew we could conquer anything. We were unstoppable, even if we were a bit boring.
Then I started a new job. I found new friends. I enjoyed my assignments and found myself growing as a person. All of a sudden fine wasn’t OK anymore. I want us to be spectacular, or I want to want to come home, as horrible as it may sound. Work was more fun, more rewarding and tickled those spots in the brain that had been dormant for so long. Those parts I thought I killed a long time ago.
All of a sudden I feel smarter than ever, funnier, more interesting, demanding and definitely more bored with my home life than ever. I love him, I do, but am I still in love with him? I am here to find out because he is too good to just give up without a fight and I want to fight for him.
Hence – The PRO and CON List.
I will try to set of the Pros and the Cons in our relationship and hopefully in the end, this will make it more clear where I want to be and what I want from
my our future.