This made me smile
August 30th, 2010Size 7 don’t fit all
August 16th, 2010There he was, smiling again at the screen.
Laughing out loud but wont share the fun. He will tell me titbits, he will explain some parts.
So I joined. I sat in the same room. I ended up taking over. A room full of men tend to give the girl attention.
All of a sudden the shoe is on the other foot. If there are two females and a hundred men. Females will get the attention. He didn’t like it, he didn’t want me to get it. All of a sudden his friends were my friends and I had taken over.
I would be mad too, and I’d cared if I wasn’t so frustrated by it. By him smiling at the screen, at watching young women showing more than they should.
Now he sulks and now he complains.
I guess he didn’t like to wear my shoes.
We are our own worst enemies.
August 2nd, 2010Fear is controlling and paralysing.
Our fears dictate our choices and motions. Every second step is decided before hand by our own ulterior motives, all controlled by fear.
I quit drinking for a month because I feared I was an alcoholic. When it wasn’t that hard to quit, I began drinking again. It is a reward, for having the energy to stay alive. It sounds negative and dangerous but I’m not suicidal, no matter how that sentence is construed. I learned a decade ago that I would never end my life deliberately, it does however not imply that I’m happy enough to stay alive.
I have someone who loves me that I love so much it hurts. I sometimes love myself, sometimes hate myself.
Probably bipolar, I sometimes just don’t have the energy to be all that I can be. Other days I think it will suffice if I’d work as a waitress for the rest of my life, happy just being me (like Phoebe in Friends), but I know it wont. I am too smart, with too much to offer and just not enough energy to give. Anything.
We are our own worse enemies and its when we look beyond our own view of ourselves, look through other peoples eyes, that we shine. I’m trying my hardest to just shine.
Why it’s called sourpuss
July 29th, 2010Now I can be such a sourpuss. I even think the way my face looks when I’m completely relaxed is mean and sour. I look like I just bit into a lemon.
My mum used to call me Little My when I was young. It’s a character from Moomin. She is grumpy and when she gets angry she bites. That pretty much summed me up as a child if I’m lead to believe my mother.
Apparently the grumpy face is something I was born with. And the attitude? Maybe something I grew into to, but I’m more on the grumpier side. I am a sourpuss.
Just recently, I was working with a festival. One of the highlights was the flee market area and I was in charge of renting out tables. When people called in to order a place or table and didn’t pay until the very ladt second (making me unsure if I should cancel their place) I got furious and promptly put them on the worst place, although the good ones still had empty slots. Why? Because I’m a sourpuss.
I would never show it to their faces, because I’m professional. But behind closed doors. I’m a sourpuss. Those who know me well, get to hear it well.
All work and no play makes Lexi a sucidal bitch
July 24th, 2010Work was killing me. I could literally feel it draining all the life out of me. Standing there smiling at all the costumers, who were acting like idiots, all the while the boss was fucking me up by not being any support, or at all reachable.
I could take it when I was only working weekends. Sure I was tired working every weekend and then going to school on weekdays but the exhaustion never kept me from being polite to customers while taking their shit, and it never really made me resent my boss. It all grew gradually from June until just the other day, when I quit.
I just can’t take it any more, feeling like I get screwed from all sides. So I quit to get some summer vacation instead, and it’s like the heaviest weight was lifted from my shoulders, the biggest sigh could escape my mouth and I could finally sleep at nights.
I’m free and I feel like I escaped a horrible punishment. It’s glorious not to be back there working my ass off for someone who never sees or acknowledges it. Working like a maniac for people who never appreciate it. Busting my ass off only to get bitched at. I don’t need it and I left it behind. Freedom!
I have a dilemma and need your advice
July 7th, 2010I met a man. We never planned to get serious, we never planned to fall in love. We knew each other and all we planned for was a summer of a lot of sex.
I fell in love, he shortly followed. We spent a lot of time together and pretty soon I had inadvertently moved in with him.
Inadvertently. Because I never planned on renting my own place to his cousin. I never planned to want to stay with him after his cousin had moved out.
There were certain things I knew about him before I moved in, even before I fell in love. I knew he had a computer entirely filled with porn. It didn’t bother me at all. We watched a lot of that porn together.
I knew he hadn’t been in a serious relationship, and somehow that was a relief because no weird exes to compete with right?
But then a month or so ago, he started visiting these cam sites. No wait, it started before that when he visited a random girls blog and became somewhat obsessed with her and her silicon figure. Visiting that site daily and commenting about her. She became pregnant after a month or so of the site and stopped blogging (picture blogging also) so he never got updates, that’s when the cam sites became interesting.
These cam sites (stickam, tinychat etc) might seem harmless and they are not worse than porn right? But these are people he interact with, get a bond with and form a sort of relationship with.
I told him it bothered me, but he just says I’m silly and that he loves me and shit like that.
I shouldn’t be bothered by it, but I am. I shouldn’t care, but I do. And since I do, I also know… if he loved me and they aren’t important to him why is he on those sites daily, why is he spending hours watching girls, usually girls who never undress so it isn’t the porn value of it all, usually different ones so it’s not favoritism or a certain type where i can’t suffice.
My problem is, I feel inferior. I feel inadequate. And when speaking it I feel silly. I also feel insecure.
I bet I wouldn’t care if I had had really good confidence, but I don’t. So why kick on me while I’m down?
Bloggerstock – The story of what is on my desk.
June 30th, 2010Jennifer, my guest blogger, is a 20 something artist who loves gulping down the Starbucks coffees. Married with a baby girl, she still finds time to watch those grisly slasher movies she loves. What a trooper!
Me myself, I’m guest blogging over at Allisons blog.
So here I am blogging on Sour Puss for Bloggerstock. What is Bloggerstock you ask? It’s a group of bloggers who sign up to guest post on eachother’s blogs. Like a mashup or blogring of posts.
It promotes us and give each of us an insight into bloggers we’ve never met before and gives us a taste of their writing style. It’s all very awesome.
This month we’re talking about the shit on our desks and the story behind it all. In my case, there’s really no story behind anything on my desk. Well… there is. But it’s not all to interesting. But I’m posting it anyway ’cause I wanna make you suffer my boring life. 
So my desk. I love my desk. It’s actually brand new and clean and white. So pretty 
I also slapped some Hello Kitty wall decals on it to make it look cute and stuff since, well, they didn’t have a Hello Kitty desk and I’m super creative like that. But in the past couple of months everyone else (my son and my husband) have been slowly taking over my desk. You see, I have this corkboard that covers half of the back of the desk. I’ve hung some things there but my son… He discovered my thumbtacks and has been hanging every single drawing he does on it.
I haven’t been able to use my poor corkboard for my own selfish needs since. 
But those two aren’t the only ones who have taken over my desk. There’s also my dolls, my brand new tablet, and this little stinker…
This is Pippa (yes, named after a character in Libba Bray’s books). She is my partner in crime. By that I mean she hangs out next to my laptop and goes out with me on photo shoots with the girls. She is a Pinky:St doll I got last year for my birthday. 
I love the look on her face, don’t you?
So that’s my desk. I have lots more crap on my desk but it’s mostly just… crap. Stuff that sits there and collects dust or stuff that’s sitting there waiting to get thrown out. Oh yea, and my coffee cup collection. I’m kinda lazy about putting cups in the sink right away.
If you’re looking for more to read from more of us, just follow the ring of links on our posts, or find them on the Bloggerstock site. You can find another post for Bloggerstock on my blog by another awesome blogger as well. So enjoy! And see you round the ‘net.
Patience is a virtue I want to learn
June 21st, 2010I haven’t been active here yet. I haven’t written at all and there’s a simple reason.
I haven’t had time to fix my design yet.
I hate to blog when the page looks like a mess and I want it to be beautiful, alluring, inviting. But it isn’t. And I don’t do ready-made templates.
So, I signed up for bloggerstock way back when this baby had just been born. And now that I got invited to join, there’s nothing here. So next post will be from someone who isn’t me yet someone you’ll get to learn so much more about. Not only because she’ll reveal things about herself but also because she probobly has alot of info on her own website to share with you.
I will pick this up, and I will fix the design. Lets just all have patience with me.
If you read my Ebook you will be able to make a living out of blogging – FAIL
May 24th, 2010Something that amazes me is that there are several people sitting out there on blogs telling eveyrone that fpr so and so much money, they will teach how to write. How not to be boring and how to make people pilgrimage towards your blog, so that you in one way or another can make some hard earned (or not so hard earned?) money off of them.
Usually, reading those blogs, for the first time I’m entruiged. But after a while they are the ones that just build up in my feader never getting read. Because it’s the same thing over and over again on each and every last one of them. Write in paragraphs, make sure you have some sort of heading or people wont stay focused and interested enough to read, keep the writing moderately short.
All I hear is bla bla bla.
Now I can agree that a picture helps you take the post in and want to read the words. A picture saying over a thousand words itself, but posting a picture of a hand holding a pen or something generic of the sort is just agravating. And honestly telling me that they think we readers are so stupid, uneducated, unfocused that we can’t read their post without visual help. See monkey, spell M-O-N-K-E-Y. Picture books for adults.
If you’re in the blogging business to make money I will tell you right away, your chances of making a living out of it is approximetly the same as you making a living out of being an actor. It’s slim. Don’t do something for the money. Do it, because you love it.
The only one making money out of that E-book you just bought, is the author himself.
The path to self acceptance
May 17th, 2010I’ve gone over a week without alcohol. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about it, but it was easier than expected. Maybe all I needed was to decide. Really decide to give it up. Although I keep thinking, in a month I’ll be able to have a glass of wine. Just that one glass.
I read somewhere that if you can stop at one glass, what’s the point of having that one? I thought it was a stupid question, didn’t they drink wine because they loved the taste? Did they only drink to get the alcohol effect of it? I never really got that part anymore, the reaction. Mostly due to my built up resistance to alcohol but also due to my weight. Massive abundance of fat will do that.
I gave it all up. Sugars, actually all carbs, and then alcohol. I’m only on the first week but I’ve been here before, that’s why I know the headache is a side effect. A horrible side effect because I never get headache usually. The constant thirst is another. Sure I’d get thirsty when I was consuming alcohol but that was because I hardly ever drank any water. Now I’m drinking gallon after gallon and I’m never satisfied. I don’t have diabetes. I already checked.
I don’t want to walk through life hating my body anymore. I don’t want to be constantly tired and upset. I need to remember that when the cravings kick in. Remember that I want more out of life than food and alcohol. I want to be able to feel good about myself.
