There he was, smiling again at the screen.

Laughing out loud but wont share the fun. He will tell me titbits, he will explain some parts.

So I joined. I sat in the same room. I ended up taking over. A room full of men tend to give the girl attention.

All of a sudden the shoe is on the other foot. If there are two females and a hundred men. Females will get the attention. He didn’t like it, he didn’t want me to get it. All of a sudden his friends were my friends and I had taken over.

I would be mad too, and I’d cared if I wasn’t so frustrated by it. By him smiling at the screen, at watching young women showing more than they should.

Now he sulks and now he complains.

I guess he didn’t like to wear my shoes.

Fear is controlling and paralysing.

Our fears dictate our choices and motions. Every second step is decided before hand by our own ulterior motives, all controlled by fear.

I quit drinking for a month because I feared I was an alcoholic. When it wasn’t that hard to quit, I began drinking again. It is a reward, for having the energy to stay alive. It sounds negative and dangerous but I’m not suicidal, no matter how that sentence is construed. I learned a decade ago that I would never end my life deliberately, it does however not imply that I’m happy enough to stay alive.

I have someone who loves me that I love so much it hurts. I sometimes love myself, sometimes hate myself.

Probably bipolar, I sometimes just don’t have the energy to be all that I can be. Other days I think it will suffice if I’d work as a waitress for the rest of my life, happy just being me (like Phoebe in Friends), but I know it wont. I am too smart, with too much to offer and just not enough energy to give. Anything.

We are our own worse enemies and its when we look beyond our own view of ourselves, look through other peoples eyes, that we shine. I’m trying my hardest to just shine.