I got a job. A job that will look absolutely marvelous on my resume but doesn’t at the moment contain a lot of actual working.

I’m not done with school, no where near it seems, but I chose to work becuase my motivaiton for my education was running dry. Running dry. As if it was ever “wet”.

I just didn’t want to be stuck in a dead end job with a low salary, and miserable for my entire life. Instead I ended up feeling really old and absolutely no where in my life. As if we’re valued by our emplyee status, and lets not forget marital status.

So I’m no where. No mans land. I may have a job, but it’s temporary as the education has to be completed one wya or another. I’m not married, and if I’ve understood my boyfriend correctly, I wont be married for another 7 years. Or maybe it was five. I can’t really remember as all I could think was, wow I will be really old.

It’s not that I care about the marriage part. It’s rather, why doesn’t he want to marry me. Why can’t he commit to forever after in writing if he can when he talks to me? What is so wrong with wanting a ring, a ceremony, tax benefits and commitment?

He got me to quit drinking though. Not forever. With the exception of 2 glasses of wine last week (work dinner, and it was nice) I haven’t had any alcohol since the end of January. Go me. He was threatening to leave me, I had gotten violent. Problem is that my drinking is a reason for issues I surpress. Issues as aggrevatin over a messy home, being the bearer of all economic problems and then there’s my over-weight issue. Which of course was a major cause of the alcohol.

The weight has not improved really. I guess I just substituted wine with candy/sodas. And now I’m hyped up on sugar instead of alcohol. Will this circle never end?

This is not a good subject to discuss. This is where I could go on forever. I mean, I could list item after item both big and small. I’ll do my best to keep this short and concise. I’m unsure if I’m supposed to only list one item or all, something is singular, so I will write this post about the single biggest thing I hate about myself.

The inability to love myself.

It’s not that I hate myself, it’s not that I ruin my life. It is however a deep seething inability to love myself that make me constantly trip over my own good intentions.

I have wants, and needs. I want to lose weight, I hate the way I look. But I constantly manipulate myself into destroying the good work I do. I lost 50 pounds so I felt I was entitled to… stray from my diet. I never turned back to my narrow path and soon the 50 pounds with an additional 10 had fixated themselves all over my body.

I do that constantly. Try to fix what depresses me, and then I think but I deserve…and I end up destroying my good efforts.

I quit drinking and wasn’t even longing for a glass of wine, so I went out and had one with dinner, which was followed by another the night after. Soon enough I was back to my old alcoholic ways. Or I stayed away from sugar for a year and never really longed for it but everyone was praising it so it must be good, or maybe that cake tastes better, or everyone else is eating it…

Or what about the time I smoked so much pot I hardly ever left the house?

I don’t do mediocre. If I get hooked I decide to take it to extremes.

If something is going well, I decide to destroy it. I don’t mentally decide, lets destroy this good thing, I just think my efforts have entitled me to deviate from the plan. Each time I know the cost and what the result will be. Yet I convince myself this time will be different and I deviate.

Somehow I feel, this is because of my inability to truly love myself. If I truly loved myself I’d let me be happy, let me enjoy my successes and stop ruining things for myself.

This is something I need to work at, I just don’t know where to start. Once I’m happy again something inside me will say “you deserve” and when my other self try to keep me on the narrow path the evil me will heckle and say What are you afraid of, you’re strong now. You can do this and still continue on your narrow path. But I never can.

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I gained a lot of weight the past year. Weight I worked hard to shed off. But as we all know gaining is easier than losing, and I definitely turned a blind eye towards the gain until it had completely taken over.

My reasoning was the birth control pill. I started taking it (again) last summer when I met my boyfriend. The pill was driving me crazy. I was always hungry for more, no matter it be food, sweets or alcohol. It was just too hard to stop eating. So I didn’t. And I became angry, and angrier. I couldn’t control my mood swings, and I cried all the time, over nothing.

I went off the pill and found myself another birth control method (IUD) and all of a sudden I became sane again. And I weighed myself, and I wanted to die. I weigh more than I have, ever before. I weigh as much as two people, my length, should weigh. I realize I have a lot of work ahead of me but I am motivated.

My first concern is though, that I don’t want to weigh half of me (121) because the last time I weighed that little I was around 11 years old, just a tad shorter than now, and I never looked fat. I want to weigh around 143. Last time I did, I was gorgeous.

My second concern is, this has to be slow. I don’t want flabby skin, and I need to change my patterns. I have been overweight for the major part of my life, and its my habit. My habit to constantly hate my body. Its a habit I want to break.

I want to be brutally honest here. I would love to show what I look like but I’m afraid. I would love to tell you what I eat but that is boring. I would love to share, but I don’t know how. All I know is that I will do this, one step at a time.

The funny thing? I don’t really like candy. I don’t really drink sodas. I hardly ever eat chips or really fatty food. I do love my wine and my troubles start there if for no other reason than that I get the sweet tooth when I drink. The funny thing is, I eat healthier than most people I know. I just drink too much…