I fear that I’m pregnant and I’m ambivalent about how I feel.

I only have a few months left of school and I was looking forward to working, earning money. Having money. I miss that feeling. Being able to afford normal things and not turning every penny. If I’m pregnant I wont be able to work for another year.

I don’t want a kid. They are cute and cuddly and I bet I would love my child just as much as the next mother, but I don’t want a child. Not now and maybe never. I don’t want to be restrained and I was finally okay with feeling and thinking about being childless forever. We were going to be happy anyway.

But one of my biggest reasons for not wanting a child was that he didn’t want a child and now he’s acting all cool and happy and saying we will find out soon enough if I’m pregnant or not. And I just want to understand, is this a true reaction, was all that other stuff only lies? Or is he hiding his true intentions? Is he walking out my door cursing on the inside?

He hides his sugar addiction and all I want to scream See me and my addiction, see me drown and yet validate the times I feel I need it, because I always need it… and yet I end up taking care of him, when I am the one drowning, the one dying the one who will not be here if this continues…

There he was, smiling again at the screen.

Laughing out loud but wont share the fun. He will tell me titbits, he will explain some parts.

So I joined. I sat in the same room. I ended up taking over. A room full of men tend to give the girl attention.

All of a sudden the shoe is on the other foot. If there are two females and a hundred men. Females will get the attention. He didn’t like it, he didn’t want me to get it. All of a sudden his friends were my friends and I had taken over.

I would be mad too, and I’d cared if I wasn’t so frustrated by it. By him smiling at the screen, at watching young women showing more than they should.

Now he sulks and now he complains.

I guess he didn’t like to wear my shoes.