I used to enjoy things. A helluva lot more than I do these days. I don’t enjoy a lot of things anymore.

I used to love to write. I used to love to design. I used to get my stomach in a knot for the prospect of meeting a cute guy.

I don’t like anything anymore. Sometimes I wonder if this is the best life can bring me and I know it isn’t. I know that a big part of why it is as it is, is because of me. I don’t commit to myself. I can commit to a whole other person but I can’t commit to myself and my own needs.

I am falling apart inside.

Some days I can struggle through the mundane and the adequate and try to see some sort of light at the end of a metaphorical tunnel, but most days I’m gasping for air because the air is to thin or I’m drowning because the tunnel is flooding in.

I always had a tendency to be sad or feel lonely. I remember being a dramatic child. But it was never this bleak. Never this hopeless. Never this hard.

Dad just had to die. I just had to give up on ever being sane. I just had to throw my body under the train that is called selfhatred. I hate it. Most of the time. I always imagine myself doing something about it. I envision it. I pack bags with clothes, sweatpants, gymshoes, large tshirts. But lets face it. I can barely walk in a normal pace anymore.

So I selfwallow. Maybe I haven’t hit rock bottom. Maybe I need it to get worse before I can handle it getting better. But most of the time, I just want to sleep. I just never want to get out of bed again. Is that too much to ask for?

I haven’t been active here yet. I haven’t written at all and there’s a simple reason.

I haven’t had time to fix my design yet.

I hate to blog when the page looks like a mess and I want it to be beautiful, alluring, inviting. But it isn’t. And I don’t do ready-made templates.

So, I signed up for bloggerstock way back when this baby had just been born. And now that I got invited to join, there’s nothing here. So next post will be from someone who isn’t me yet someone you’ll get to learn so much more about. Not only because she’ll reveal things about herself but also because she probobly has alot of info on her own website to share with you.

I will pick this up, and I will fix the design. Lets just all have patience with me.