There he was, smiling again at the screen.

Laughing out loud but wont share the fun. He will tell me titbits, he will explain some parts.

So I joined. I sat in the same room. I ended up taking over. A room full of men tend to give the girl attention.

All of a sudden the shoe is on the other foot. If there are two females and a hundred men. Females will get the attention. He didn’t like it, he didn’t want me to get it. All of a sudden his friends were my friends and I had taken over.

I would be mad too, and I’d cared if I wasn’t so frustrated by it. By him smiling at the screen, at watching young women showing more than they should.

Now he sulks and now he complains.

I guess he didn’t like to wear my shoes.

I met a man. We never planned to get serious, we never planned to fall in love. We knew each other and all we planned for was a summer of a lot of sex.

I fell in love, he shortly followed. We spent a lot of time together and pretty soon I had inadvertently moved in with him.

Inadvertently. Because I never planned on renting my own place to his cousin. I never planned to want to stay with him after his cousin had moved out.

There were certain things I knew about him before I moved in, even before I fell in love. I knew he had a computer entirely filled with porn. It didn’t bother me at all. We watched a lot of that porn together.

I knew he hadn’t been in a serious relationship, and somehow that was a relief because no weird exes to compete with right?

But then a month or so ago, he started visiting these cam sites. No wait, it started before that when he visited a random girls blog and became somewhat obsessed with her and her silicon figure. Visiting that site daily and commenting about her. She became pregnant after a month or so of the site and stopped blogging (picture blogging also) so he never got updates, that’s when the cam sites became interesting.

These cam sites (stickam, tinychat etc) might seem harmless and they are not worse than porn right? But these are people he interact with, get a bond with and form a sort of relationship with.

I told him it bothered me, but he just says I’m silly and that he loves me and shit like that.

I shouldn’t be bothered by it, but I am. I shouldn’t care, but I do. And since I do, I also know… if he loved me and they aren’t important to him why is he on those sites daily, why is he spending hours watching girls, usually girls who never undress so it isn’t the porn value of it all, usually different ones so it’s not favoritism or a certain type where i can’t suffice.

My problem is, I feel inferior. I feel inadequate. And when speaking it I feel silly. I also feel insecure.

I bet I wouldn’t care if I had had really good confidence, but I don’t. So why kick on me while I’m down?